Just Another Episode
by DarthRushy
Summary: Our two lab mice visited a lot of time periods during their heyday, but never the 2010s. That's about to change...


(2014, 24th February 19:45. Rainfall. Lightning strikes near ACME Labs.)

(Inside the laboratory, Pinky is sitting on a table and enjoying a television programme about two talking rats.)

Rat #1: Are your thoughts heading in the same general direction as my thoughts, Blackie?  
Rat #2: Well, I think so, Heart, but which way's south?

Pinky: Ha-HA-ha! Aww, I haven't laughed THIS hard in a while, Brain!

(Brain briefly turns away from his chalkboard)

Brain: As I recall, Pinky, you were nearly evicted by our landowners just this morning when your maniacal laughing fit disrupted their experiments.

Pinky: Landowners? What, you mean the scientists?

Brain: I wouldn't go that far. Climate change... pah! Apps... pah! All this modern jibberjabber confuddles my mind and leaves cobwebs in my soul.

Pinky: Oh, that's just Billy, Brain!

Brain: (raises eyebrow) Billy?

Pinky: You know, Billy the spider! The one with eight hairy legs and a billion schmillion eyes! He leaves his cobwebs EVERYWHERE!

(Brain looks visibly terrified and looks around)

Pinky(scratches head): I was wondering where he got to.

Brain: Hehehe... (turns back to blackboard) bugger. The point is, I'm sick and tired of people wasting their resources on wasting their resources! Back in my day, taking over the world was an art form! Now it's done by the sound-effect of a click of a holographic representation of a button.

Pinky: Back in your day? But Brain... you're only two years old!

Brain: Are you mocking my age? Anyway, come here, Pinky! I must tell you tonight's plan to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! (smiles) And I think you'll like this one.

Pinky: ZORT! Hahaha! (runs over) Oh, don't tell me, don't tell me... uh... (closes eyes and tries to think) We're going to... make millions and millions of dollars in real estate! (stares at Brain expectantly)

Brain: (stares back) And what exactly would you do with all those millions of dollars then? The world costs like, one hundred... billion dollars!

Pinky: Oh no, no, we don't need the money, Brain! We're just going to get something really nice to put in that curry water thing you talked about and then everyone will think we've got a say in politics!

Brain: Our curry water...? You mean our curriculum vitae, our CV? Pinky, don't be stupid, that would never work! To fool people into believing that a real estate magnate would make a good president or something would require... (starts thinking) would require... (grabs paper and pencil) a toupee made of hypnotic strands of golden straw, the gold of course coming from the pot at the end of the rainbow and someone of such low intelligence that he wouldn't notice two lab mice crawling on the top of his bald head. In other words... I'll put that in the notebook.

Pinky: So... what are we doing then, Brain? Go 20 000 whatsits under the sea to enlist the help of the little lost fish captain?

Brain: No, Pinky! As a matter of fact, WE aren't going to do anything this time! (He points his hand at the television still running the same programme) "Blackie and the Heart" will!

Pinky: (sadly nods his head) But Brain, that's just television! Tsk, tsk, tsk, it's all make-believe, you know.

Brain: Yes, Pinky. I know. We're going to use the television PROGRAMME. Back in the 90s, when summer blockbusters were good and two-dimensional graphics were a thing, "Blackie and the Heart" taught every child to respect the struggles that real world leaders must go through to conquer the world. But now, with the web of the internet connecting every person on the planet, everyone's a world leader! Democracy has risen up in the foulest ways imaginable and chaos spews across the planet...

Pinky: (helpfully) Like superhot lava from a big old volcano of doom?!

Brain: No, I'm thinking more like the slime from a really painful zit. Tonight, Pinky, we are going to use this to our advantage! I've managed to rewrite the core programming of the web so that every computer in the world broadcasts every episode of "Blackie and the Heart" directly into the brains of everybody on the planet simultaneously at midnight! Once their guilt has settled in, they will realise that Earth deserves to be controlled by none other than the executive producer of the show itself!

Pinky: FAN-TASTIC! But wait... that's not you, Brain!

Brain: Ah, very true, Pinky! To rectify this, I have gone back to every episode and written in my name in the place of the original producer so that the people watching WILL believe him to be me. Once the fools realise their mistake, I will already be RULER OF THE WORLD!

Pinky: But won't he be upset, Brain? I mean, it IS his show!

Brain: If aliens in Indiana Jones didn't bother him, nothing will. Our job tonight is simply to make sure everything goes according to plan. This means watching everyone, everywhere and especially EVERYWHEN.

Pinky: Oh, if only I could make more of myself, ha-HA-ha! NARF! I could do a narfing contest! Which Pinky narfs the narfest! NARF! HAHAHAHA!

Brain: (not amused) Not since the raven and the writing desk... it's the 21st century, Pinky. All we have to do is observe the Twitter accounts of all the world leaders without even leaving the safety of the lab. If everything goes according to plan, then we'll spend the rest of the night celebrating at that nice cafe I told you about!

Pinky: Which server again?

Brain: Brainybrony2000. But don't... tell... anyone!

* * *

(21:21)

(The Brain is sitting on a small stool, resting his head in his palm and blankly staring at a tablet screen, which is propped up on the wall. Pinky is in the cage, tossing food pellets around.)

Pinky: 99 pellets of food on the wall, 99 pellets of food! Take one down, pass it around, 98 pellets of food! POIT!

(The Brain rubs his eyes)

Brain: This waiting is excruciating! How human beings are capable of spending their whole days tweeting from their bed, I will never know.

Pinky: Um, Brain? Can't you rig up some clock thingy that will ring at the exact moment any of the world leaders tweet something? That way, we could spend the day doing something fun and exciting like swimming in the microwave! Ooooh!

Brain: ... as incredible as that may seem, Pinky, your intelligence surpasses that of the average world leader. They're ALREADY tweeting something... it's just the usual drivel like "Oh, I think that guy who just HAPPENS to be my opponent is racist" or "Look at me, I'm supporting this country by eating their food!" Besides, it's not even midnight yet!

Pinky: Oh. Okay, TROZ! (goes back to throwing food pellets) 97 pellets of food on the wall, 97 pellets of food...!

Brain: (grimaces and turns back to the screen, rubbing his forehead) Any more of this and I'll need a bucket of soda to dunk my head in.

* * *

(22:00)

(The Brain is swaying on his stool deliriously, his eyes swirling)

Brain: ROFL. LOL. Hashtag.

Pinky: (surprises Brain, causing him to fall off the stool) L-M-A-O-W-T-F!

Brain: Pinky! I'm supposed to... (looks at the screen) I'm supposed to... (Brain's eyes start to swirl again, but he shakes his head) AAAAARGGHH! I can't take this! I must have a rest. Here, Pinky, sit down and look at the screen. As soon as somebody mentions "Blackie and the Heart", wake me up!

Pinky: Oh, alright, Brain! And I'll make sure to wiggle your toes first so you wake up nice and slow!

Brain: I appreciate the thought, Pinky, but in this case, immediate alertness IS required.

Pinky: Then SPLASH it is! Ha-HA-ha!

Brain: (sighs and facepalms) Just pretend you're an alarm clock. The sound of your voice would bring the hills to life. (walks off-screen)

Pinky: Right! Testing! Testing! DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!

Brain: PINKY! Observe the screen! Ding later! (heads back to the cage) I feel like I need a spatula just to rinse my prefrontal cortex clear of all the extraneous information it's accumulated today. (Yawns and sees Pinky intently staring at the screen) What do ya know? Perhaps I should've made Pinky responsible for this part of the plan from the very beginning. After all, the only brain cells he has to lose are from the parasites in his stomach. Nothing can stop me now... except maybe the untimely intervention of a giant, hairy spider!... called Billy. But that's just ridiculous. (shrugs)

(As Brain gets into bed, a shadowy, eight-legged figure approaches him)

(Meanwhile, Pinky continues to sit on the stool and even he's getting bored)

Pinky: (to his reflection on the screen) You know, I don't think this plan's worth a dime! Perhaps all that pondering and plotting has finally gotten to Brain's brain. (touches his face and gets scared) Oh! I think I can feel my face starting to sag too! No, no, that just will not do!

(Pinky gets up from the stool and starts walking in a circle)

Pinky: Well, Brain definitely needs his beauty sleep so I can't talk to him. I've just got about two hours to take over the world for him before this plan goes into action. Hmmm... (strokes chin)

Billy: (in a whispery voice) Perhaps I could be of assistance?

(The eight-legged spider walks out of the shadows with a sly look on his face.)

Pinky: (not afraid at all) Oh howdy, Billy! No, I don't think so! ZORT! You see, I've just got about two hours to come up with a plan for taking over the world and you're well... a spider.

Billy: A ssspider, yesss... but the population fearssss me. If I wasss to... shall we say call my sspider friends around the world and tell them to terrify the populace until you releasse an immediate anti-ssspider chemical in exchange for... control of the world?

Pinky: (blinks) Then what?

Billy: (sighs exasperatedly) Then you'd be ruler of the world.

Pinky: (stares for four seconds) TROZ! Ha-HA-ha! A scary spider! HAHAHAHA! Oh, that's a killer, Billy. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! HAHAHAHA! Why, (tries to mimic Brain) by my estimations, you'll have about as much luck as a... donkey in Rambo's kitchen!

Billy: (raises eyebrow) You mean Ramsay's?

Pinky: Whichever one of them makes those delicious sausages! Yummy!

Billy: (sighs) Just trust me on this.

Pinky: RIGHT-O, Billy! But SHH! We have to be real quiet so as to not wake Brain, 'kay?

Billy: 'Kay.

(As Pinky and Billy leave, the Brain desperately gesticulates in the cage, tied up and gagged by webbing, but he is unseen)

* * *

(22:52)

(Pinky and Billy are outside in the laboratory grounds)

Pinky: So where are we going, Billy?

Billy: Someplace where the sun don't shine and gas exchange is a regular occurrence.

(Billy pulls down a branch, causing a doorway to open up from the ground and an elevator to emerge.)

Pinky: Um... we're going to Adam Sandler's house then, are we?

Billy: I wish. Pinky... have you ever wondered where spiders come from?

Pinky: I dunno, eggs?

Billy: ... Yes, actually. But where do the eggs come from?

Pinky: Oh well, now THIS I do know! When a daddy spider and a mommy spider love each other very much...

Billy: Christ, just get in!

(Billy pushes Pinky into the elevator, which rushes into the ground below)

Pinky: Actually, Billy, I do have a cross of sorts to bear.

Billy: What?

Pinky: This sticker! (pulls fur off from his back to reveal a cross sticker) Can't get this thing off without taking half of my fur with it.

Billy: Oh, I'll help you!

Pinky: Would you mind?

(Billy licks his foot and removes the cross sticker with it gently)

Pinky: Thanks! Ha-HA-ha! You're a Godsend, Billy! TROZ!

Billy: Let's just call it my good Samaritan act of the day.

(Elevator stops)

Billy: Ah! We're here. Are you ready for something... really terrifying?

Pinky: Well, as long as they're not spiders. They're just silly.

Billy: (grits teeth) Just... go out there, okay?

Pinky: Oh, alright then! POIT!

(The doors open to reveal a snowy field with a glowing lantern in the middle)

Billy: Uh... wrong floor. (presses another button)

(The doors open to reveal the Land of Oz)

Billy: What the-?

(The doors close and open to reveal Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader duelling on the Death Star?)

Billy: What is this, a joke?

Pinky: (to Darth Vader) Nice costume, DORK! Hmm, haven't said that before. DORK!

(The doors close and open to reveal the Brain enwrapped to the side of the cage in a cocoon except for his hands, which are using a miniature iPhone.)

Pinky: Oh hi Brain!

Brain: What the-?

(The doors close and open to reveal the future war from Terminator)

Pinky: (runs to the other side of the elevator and cowers) Okay, it is scary! It is scary! You've made your point!

Billy: That's NOT what I wanted to show you... (presses more buttons) Who designed this thing, Willy Wonka?

(The doors close and open to reveal Wonka's Chocolate Factory in the midst of a musical number)

Billy: (scowls and presses another button, causing the doors to open on pure blackness) Here we are!

Pinky: Um, I can't see anything, Billy.

Billy: Of course you can't, we're underground. What do you think is, a cartoon?

(Pinky scratches his head)

* * *

(23:13)

(The Brain is still struggling in his cocoon.)

Brain: Gnnnngh... this thing's tighter than a corset in a vacuum on a superhero costume! Gnnngh! Physical activity only makes it worse. As usual, I shall have to rely on my intelligence to free myself from this dilemma. (thinks) And as usual, I am faced with disappointing results. It seems I have no choice, but to apply the horror film trope: HELP! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEE! HEEEELP!

(Waits a little, but nothing happens)

Brain: Oh yeah, I'm a lab mouse, not a hot blonde. (looks at the clock on the wall) Only 45 minutes left and the computer is way over there! Whatever shall I do?

(A lightbulb appears over the Brain's head.)

Brain: Yes! (pulls one hand out of the cocoon with a miniature iPhone)

(Another lightbulb appears over the Brain's head.)

Brain: Double yes! (pulls the other hand out of the cocoon with a miniature Apple watch) In the 21st century, it's illegal to possess any inanimate objects incapable of internet connection. So here we go... Twitter, Twitter... right... Michael Bay is remaking those 25 seconds of the train coming towards the screen that gave birth to cinema? Well, at least he finally found a classic he could make more interesting.

(Suddenly, a box materialises out of nowhere, and opens to reveal Pinky and Billy)

Pinky: Oh hi Brain!

Brain: (as the box closes and vanishes) What the f-unnecessary expletive-k? Oh well, back to the ones and zeroes in my overcooked communication device.

* * *

(23:32)

(Pure blackness, with the sound of feet moving on wet rock. Suddenly, a ping is heard.)

Pinky: Oh, um, excuse me, Billy.

(Pinky switches on his phone, creating light and causing all the spiders around them to scream and flee because of it)

Pinky: (reads Brain's tweet) Hashtag Are You Pondering What I'm Pondering? (thinks for a second) Hashtag I... think... so... Brain... but... frogs... are... squishy.

(The Brain is facepalming)

Brain: Hashtag Where... are... you...?

Pinky: Hashtag In... the... center... of... the... Earth...

Brain: Hashtag Could... you... please... come... up?

Pinky: Hashtag Okay.

(walks back into the elevator and pushes a button, only for the doors to open in Japan)

Pinky: Oh dear. Poit. Hashtag In... Japan... now... need... directions...

Brain: (stares at the phone and punches it, causing his fist to emerge from Pinky's phone and punch him)

Pinky: (dizzy) Is that north then?

* * *

(23:59)

(Pinky and the Brain are back in front of the giant tablet)

Brain: Just remember Pinky... never EVER talk to strangers. That's where people like Freddy Krueger came from.

Pinky: (cowers in terror) Oh, don't mention that name, Brain! That out of fashion sweater!

Brain: (deadpans) At least the plan is still on schedule. (Looks at the clock) Yes! The time has come! Let's have a look... (appears shocked) There's nothing there, Pinky. Not a single word has been tweeted.

Pinky: Um, the show just started, Brain. They're probably still watching.

Brain: That's... a fair point actually. Let's go grab a cup of coffee.

* * *

(01:00)

(Brain appears shocked)

Brain. There's STILL nothing, Pinky. By now, the broadcast must be over.

Billy: (appears out of nowhere) Of course it's over! Everybody saw it and nobody cared!

Brain: That's impossible! "Blackie and the Heart" is a comedy classic!

Billy: A comedy classic that people know by heart already! Ever heard of downloads?

Brain: Ever heard of a monkey wrench? (takes out a giant monkey wrench and hits the spider, causing it to tumble off the table)

Brain: (sings towards the floor) Down came the pain and washed the spider out! (throws the wrench away and sighs) Come along, Pinky, it's time we prepared for tomorrow night.

Pinky: Why? What are we going to do tomorrow night, Brain?

Brain: The same thing we do every night... REHEARSE FOR THE NEXT EPISODE... WHERE WE WILL TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

Pinky: Naaaaarf! So, does that mean we're officially comedians of the new millennium then?

Brain: No, Pinky. We're funny.

 _They're Pinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!_


End file.
